Red of the Hood
by Lorene M. Farnsworth

Once upon a time there lived a little Saucepan Lid (kid) name of Red. This kid went to visit her Mum is Grand who lived right deep in the Do Me Goods (woods). It was G-Mum who had made this little Lid her cunning little red Weasel and Stoat (coat) with a matching Tit for Tat (hat) that fit quite nicely over her sweet Loaf of Bread (head). This whole kit made Red’s Boat Race (face) look very Tom and Dick (sick, in a good way) and pleased she was to be called The Red Riding Hood.

One day Red’s dad’s Trouble and Strife (wife) cooked some rather toothsome Ruby Murray (curry) and put it in some hot Dog’s Eye (meat pie). And she said to Red, 

"Raddish, dearie, why don’t you scurry your Plates of Meat (feet) and run and scan how Grand Marm goes, they say she has been just a little Uncle Dick (sick). So go and take her some Rosie Lee (tea) and some of those crispy Dog’s Eyes (meat pies) for I fear she might be largely Two and Eight (upset) of late.” 

Then the old Love and Kisses (Mrs.) forewarned Red; 

“Do look out for that Stoke-on-Trent, (bent/ criminal) that Tea Leaf-ing, (thieving) Spiders and Bug (thug). You know who I mean, the hairy one, for he may be wearing a Syrup of Figs (wig) to try to Steam Tug (mug/fool) you into the deep Brown Bread (dead).”

So Tomato Hood donned her pert little Tit for Tat (hat) and her lovely red Weasel and Stoat (coat) and said to her loving mum, 

“Don’t you fret, I will take no Pony and Trap (crap) from that Queen Mum (bum), no matter how much he may try to Rabbit and Pork (talk) me.”

Then Red went out under the Currant Bun (sun), right on up the Frog and Toad (road) and as she walked she puffed on an Oily Rag (fag), and so by rights the day began all Ham ‘n Cheesy (easy). Being that it was a trifle Mork and Mindy (windy) Red stopped on over to the Nuclear Sub (pub) to see if she could quaff a frothy George Raft (draft). Red walked into the Near and Far (bar) and spied a Mum and Dad (mad) Wolf, who with just one look said, 

“Well, looky here, it’s a God Forbid (kid)!” 

The Wolf had on a Fig (wig) that clung for dear life to his right King Lear (ear). It bobbled up and down when he spoke. 

“Hullo then, little Lid (kid), may I buy you a drink?” said the Wolf. 

“No, thanks,” said Red, “I’ll buy my own, and may I say, your Fig (wig) is slipping?” 

“Oh, Gads, I thank you, God Forbid (kid), let’s have a few Britney Spears (beers) on me before you travel.” 

“Oh, maybe one,” said Red, “before I go the straight and narrow.”

Then Wolfie flashed his Jumping Jack Flash (cash) and Red and he drank one, then two, then three, then more. They toasted the Near and Far (bar), they toasted the Smoke Screen (Queen) and finally they toasted each other. All the while Red was pouring her drinks through a hole in the floor and when the wolf went to use the men’s room Red slipped a Roofie (knock out drug) right on into his icy Pig’s Ear (beer). 

“Where are you going on such a fine day?” The Wolf asked Red. 

“I’m going to my Grand Mum’s house to bring her Becks and Posh (nosh).” Red didn’t mind answering. 

“Grand Mum, you say?” The Wolf hiccupped. “Shall I Bowl of Chalk (walk) you part way?” 

“I don’t mind.” Said the canny Lid (kid). “You can Nanny Goat (tote) all the In The Nude (food).” 

"Well," said the wolf, " I'll go this way and go you that, and we shall see who will be there first." 

With that the Wolf ran as fast as he could and Red doubled back to phone her Grand Mum to tell her to go visit the neighbors. Meanwhile, the Wolf ran like the wind, and took a shortcut to G-mum’s Cat and Mouse (house). The Wolf was very disappointed that Grandmum was not at home because after all the pints of Pig’s Ear (beer) he had drunk with Red, he was very hungry. But, he was a philosophical Wolf and he contented himself with the fact that Red would make a very nice Lilley and Skinner (dinner). Besides, he was feeling a bit Bo-Peepy (sleepy). Soon there was a tap at the door. 

"Who's there?" Croaked the Wolf and he hiccupped loudly.

This made Red smile because she knew her Grandmum had gotten out in time.

“It’s Red of the Hood, Grand Marm, come to bring you some toothsome morsels.”

“Come in, Toothsome Morsel…I, er, I mean come in, Red.” Slurred the Wolf. 

Red stepped into her grand marm’s cottage and said to the Wolf,

"Grandmarm, what big Chalk Farms (arms) you have!" 

"All the better to hug you with."  The Wolf yawned.

"Grandmarm, what humungous Ham and Eggs (legs) you have!" 

"All the better to run with."  He blinked his eyes sleepily.

"Grandmarm, what big Hampstead Heath (teeth) you have!" 

The Wolf started to snore a little.

“I SAID, ‘What big Hampstead Heath (teeth) you have!’” Red said.

“That’s nice, dear.” And with that the Wolf rolled over and went to Feather and Flip (kip) and Red picked up the Dog and Bone (phone) and called the Bottles and Stoppers (coppers) on that murdering, hairy Richard the Third (turd).